What changes if you stop complaining?

We all complain. Sometimes it is trivial, sometimes we are really upset. The weather, traffic, sleep, the neighbors, inflation. 

 

Why are we doing this? Does it have a social function? Is it about lowering expectations? Do we want to show that we are humble? Are we just comparing our personal agenda with others?

Complaining has a place in human psychology. It can help release tension, provide reframing for self-monitoring and a sense of agency. In groups it can help bonding by sharing frustrations around commons. It helps to establish and confirm norms and values. It can also be used as a form of showing good taste and high values. Dr. Robin Kowalski wrote about it in 'Complaining, teasing, and other annoying behaviors'.

 

 

Complaining is also a mind driven activity. And if you don't pay attention it can be a habit defining how you really feel about things that are happening around you.

 

Let's take the weather as an example. It rains, it is too hot, there is too much wind, it is cold.

 

But inn Sweden they say: there is no such thing as bad weather but there is bad clothing. That is a nice change of perspective. Something you can do around your thinking as well.

 

You are stuck in traffic and as a result you are running late. Most people's minds will go into complaining overdrive. But it won't help. The traffic will still be what it is and you are stuck in it.

 

Instead of complaining you could take a deep breath and accept that you are late. Then you can take appropriate action. Call whomever to announce you will be late. Wonder about the worst thing that can happen when you are late and accept the consequences.

Realize that 'this too shall pass'. 

 

You are in the moment and you sit with the frustration. Instead of saying I am frustrated, you observe the frustration and note that 'there is frustration in me'. This frees up energy and space in your mind to focus on the fact that you are still there and sitting in traffic.

 

 

Take a deep breath

Realize that a complaint has emerged in your mind

Take another breath

Observe the complaint

Take another breath

Accept that there is an emotion and just let it be

 

Take as many breaths as you need to quiet down your mind and keep observing what is happening.

 

It is not about stopping it completely, it is about observing it first.

 

 

 

There is still a potential  personal and social function of complaining. Maybe you need the self-monitoring aspect, so that you realize through complaining that you have certain values.

The spiritual question is thought, how does complaining really help you to be more present?

 

If it takes you over and you get triggered emotionally, you are putting energy is something that moves you away from presence. By making an active choice to observe the complaining, there is a chance that you can be with it AND benefit from the personal and social function.

 

You can observe your complaint and wonder if you want to change something about it or learn from it. Or maybe you can accept the identified bad circumstance.

 

A bad boss? Is it so bad that you want to change jobs? Why are you not the boss (yet)? What can you learn and maybe change about yourself, so that your boss stops complaining. Because maybe the boss is (partially) right?

 

There is an irritating noise around you. Why is it irritating? What does it arouse in you? What is the noise is just that? It occurs and you let it be?

 

 

When the weather can be what it is and you are just out there and enjoying it.

When someone is snoring right next to you and you can fall asleep.

When your boss is complaining and you listen intently but without getting upset, trying to learn or quietly getting to the conclusion that it is time to move on.

You complain about something, you hear yourself doing it in a social context and know that you are doing it because it is a choice.

 

Complaining has a function. Just make sure it finds the right place in your life.